wondering how I got this far, trying to figure out where to go from here

The Top Shelf

with one comment

One of the few sites I found in my search for resources after our loss was the Grieving Dads Project. While I don’t always get something from the posts this one really hits home today for a number of reasons.

For whatever reason contrary to American Culture, Monday seems to be my most productive day of the week. I mean this in regards to chores and housework more than my job. Generally I’m pretty drained by the time I get home from work. Combine that with how long it’s been since we’ve done any real cleaning and the fact that I just have no idea where to start and it’s a recipe for a lot of stress in my life. But as I said, Monday is the one magical day of the week when I can get past all that and at least do a small amount of upkeep (dishes, laundry, etc).

But then there are the days when I just can’t take the piles of clothes everywhere, the stacks of things on the dressers and floors. Those are the days I really stress out. Unfortunately I don’t have a very good outlet for that stress. Since I’ve started exercising at night (running) if it’s one of my running days then I can usually work out some of that at the track. More often than not I deal with it in one of two other ways though. The first is with a short temper, moodiness, and eventual retreat to the bedroom to either watch tv or just try to sleep it off. The second is manic cleaning. While the first is less productive, I think it might be the better of the two choices. When I just can’t take it and start cleaning the house its usually not good. Last night was one of those nights.

I got some dishes washed and a few loads of laundry done as a bonus, but still had a lot of energy left over and a desire to get the house looking at least a little better. I started out just straightening things while the laundry was going, but ended up frustrated because the clutter gets in the way. To top it off, we have so many more clothes than we have hangers for and I just can’t understand that. Unfortunately, I’m also somewhat powerless to deal with that because I’m unable to deal with most of the piles. I think that also fuels a lot of my frustration.

This is one of those cases where I never know if the ends justify the means. Is a slightly cleaner house worth the mood I have to get in to clean it? I’d be ecstatic if I didn’t have to get so worked up to get any cleaning done.

All this to get to the part that actually relates back to the post (well, other than the cleaning corollary). The top shelf of my sons closet has two boxes and between them are a hat and shirt that say “I’m The Big Brother”. They look kind of lonely up there between those huge boxes. They’re just barely visible, as they’re a little back from the edge of the shelf. My wife bought them when we were expecting our second child. We’re obviously keeping them. We still haven’t talked about whether or not we’re going to try again, and even if we do, I suspect our son will have outgrown both by then. But I see them every once in a while and it makes a heavy heart just a little heavier.

On the Top Shelf


Written by cm

July 19, 2011 at 4:22 pm

One Response

Subscribe to comments with RSS.

  1. It is the little things I come across whether by thought or by the physical that places the weight squarely back on my shoulders…

    Thanks for the post and God bless,

    Michael Cartwright

    July 19, 2011 at 6:59 pm

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: